...A Star Trek
action figure collector enters a toy shop.
Collector: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
<The owner does not respond.>
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this 12" Spock from "Star Trek II-The Wrath of Khan" that I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, 12" TWOK Spock...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. The Trek toy line's dead, that's what's wrong with it! 'Tis dead, I tell you.
O: No, no, 'tis uh,...'tis resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead toy line when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no 'tis not dead, 'tis, 'tis restin'! Remarkable figure, the 12" TWOK Spock, idn'it, ay? Beautiful articulation!
C: The articulation don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'Tis resting!
C: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! <shouting at the mint condition box> 'Ello, Mister Spock! I've got a lovely fresh bowl of plomeek for you if you show...<owner hits the box>
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the box!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: <yelling and hitting the box repeatedly> 'ELLO SPOCK!!!!! Red Alert! Red Alert! Mr. Spock report to the bridge! Red Alert! <Takes Spock out of the box and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.> Now that's what I call a dead toy line.
O: No, no.....No, e's stunned!
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! 12" TWOK Spocks stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Trek toy line is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged retooling.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Mount Seleya on Vulcan.
C: PININ' for Mount Seleya?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The 12" TWOK Spock prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable figure, id'nit, squire? Lovely articulation!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Spock when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it was in its box in the first place was that it had been twist tied there with used Wonder Bread twist ties.
O: Well, o'course it was twist tied there! If I hadn't re-twist tied that Spock down, it would have nuzzled up to that clear plastic, broke thru it with 'is Vulcan salute hand, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this Trek toy line wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This Trek toy line is no more!
It has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is manufacturer!
This is a late toy line! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests
in peace! If you hadn't twist tied 'im in the box, 'e'd be pushing
up the daisies! 'Is production lines are now 'istory! 'E's
off the pegs! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal
coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
There's gonna be no
more. THIS IS AN EX-TOY LINE!!
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then. <he takes a quick peek behind the counter> Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Trek toys.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: <pause> I got a pokemon.
<yet another awkward pause>
C: <sweet as sugar> Pray, does it like like a Trek action figure?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: N-no, I guess not. <gets ashamed, looks at his feet>
C: Then I'm finished, mate. 'Tis a pity. I'm done with 'ollecting Trek.
<collector walks out of toy shop and gets on with his life>