Playtrek Gazette April, 1998, Part 3 Editor du Jour: John Contributors to this Issue: The Magnificent Aphid, Joan, Ted, Andrew, AndyNova, Dorian and some guy named Curtis Contact us at: playtrek@hotmail.com The Fun continues... PLAYMATES TOYS INC. PRESS RELEASE - Andrew The Playtrek Gazette has used its time machine to travel forward in time to check out the status of Star Trek action figures in the year 2001. We have returned and brought back the following press release which we found. Dated: January 1, 2001 - Costa Mesa, California In an unprecedented corporate maneuver, Playmates Toys Inc. has announced a new President of their Star Trek Division. Taking over the day to day operations, including research and development, is former Playmates Toys Inc. mail room clerk, Dorian Potter. Senior Star Trek Department Manager Mara Hart remarks about Dorian: "He delivered my mail for the past five years and always made fabulous suggestions at the same time. That very popular 72" action figure of Seven of Nine a few months ago was all his idea. He was also responsible for last year's highly successful lifesize Enterprise-F bridge playset. How he ever got that project in under-budget and with a MSRP of $29.99 is anyone's guess. He's just amazing." Mr. Potter has released a statement to the press. It reads in part: "I will take Playmates Toys. Inc. and their Star Trek franchise into the next millennium at full warp speed. My strategy is to release one new 4.5" action figure every week during the entire year of 2001. A newly developed mode of distribution will make this completely viable. There will no longer be any retail outlet that doesn't have its weekly action figure and in ample supply." When asked to further explain, a simple "no comment" was given. However, there are rumors that the new Playmates Toys Inc. subsidiary Chronowerx, Inc. is somehow involved with their secretive "federation transporter technology." When asked, Chronowerx's President and CEO Ed Begley, Jr. also gives a "no comment", but the fact that Chronowerx's stock rose 17.01% in one hour's trading tends to confirm its involvement. Dorian goes on to say: "Playmates Toys Inc. will build on the flourishing toy buying market now that Hasbro has gone bankrupt as a result of the utter disaster of the first Star Wars prequel movie a few years ago. Who would have thought that the movie "Star Wars-The Birth of Darth" would be so bad and lose over $50 billion for the studio? And their recent announcement that the other two prequel movies have been permanently canceled is only good news for Playmates Toys. Coupled together with the new television series ("Star Trek:The Adventures of the U.S.S. Buckaroo Banzai") debuting next month, Playmates' action figures will be more popular than ever. Of course, the first fifteen action figures this year will be the crew of the U.S.S. Buckaroo Banzai." "Gone will be the recent $19.99 price for the 4.5" figures, to be replaced with $4.99, the price from way back in the early 90's. How can we do this? It's simple: volume, Volume, VOLUME. Figures will be available everywhere, not just limited to Target stores." Dorian announced a few of the future 4.5" action figures to be released: sweaty Captain Kirk with ripped shirt (actual sweat from Wm. Shatner), Admiral Kirk with removable toupee (again, actual hair), Captain Wesley Crusher of the Enterprise-F, Admiral Neelix, morphing Odo, Commander Morn and the much rumored Janeway and Chakotay wedding multi-pack (with Seven of Nine as maid of honor and the Doctor as best man). No mention of Janeway's twin sons yet, but Dorian states "just wait until they grow up a bit, maybe next year." "There will also be one 9" doll released every month and these will concentrate on the aliens of Star Trek. Since we have five tv series and nine movies as source material, there should be no problem giving the fans what they want. Aliens, Aliens, Aliens. Plenty of playsets and accessories are also on the drawing board." So in conclusion, the future looks bright indeed for Star Trek toys. 2001 will not only be a space odyssey, but also a toy odyssey. As Dorian says: "Ask not what your country can do for you, just ask for more Star Trek toys." Target Exclusives Explained - by AndyNova Many playtrekkers have asked why are there so many Target Store exclusives this year. The Gazette has discovered the real reason why Target Stores are only getting the 5" and 9" figures. A very reliable source inside Playmates Toys told the Gazette that a few months ago, a covert Target commando squadron dressed in their bright red shirts equipped with their gun-shaped price scanners, raided the Playmates Toys headquarters in Costa Mesa, California and captured a teddy bear that belonged to the President of Playmates Toys, Mr. Clyde C. Lueless. Target management had organized this bear-napping to convince Playmates to sell figures only to Target, instead of everyone else. Since this teddy bear, whose name is Skippy, has sentimental value to Mr. C.Lueless, Target's demands have been agreed upon. Skippy is reported to be in excellent health and is rumored as being "held" in the penthouse suite of the Hyatt Regency in Santa Monica, California. Since the room rate of this suite is rather high, this may account for the higher prices that Target is charging for their exclusives. Skippy the teddy bear will be released as soon as arrangements are made for Skippy to go out on a date with Barbie. Since Playmates Toys does not hold the toy license for Barbie, this may take some time. So, expect to see Target exclusives for a while longer. DORIAN'S MIRROR, MIRROR CONTEST ENTRY - Dorian [Editor's note: Dorian wrote: "Please note that this is NOT a second entry from me for the "Mirror,Mirror" contest, and should be ignored in that regard. It's simply that,since I'm not a reporter for a fancy-shmancy newspaper like the "Playtrek Gazette", this is the only way I have of distributing important Playmates information. So without further ado..." Now, shanghaied, he is one of us.] Excerpt from the Weekly World News: KILLER ANDROID FROM MIRROR UNIVERSE STALKS STAR TREK FANS! By Ann Onimous A new brand of horror was unleashed in Albany, NY this week when a crazed android from an alternate reality entered a Toys R Us and attacked a Star Trek fan in the aisles! We spoke exclusively with victim William thats Bill, you talentless tart! Eggler. Yes, well, I was making one of my fruitless shopping trips to this dump, knowing full well ahead of time that I would find no new Star Trek toys on the shelves; I was right, as always, nothing there but InMyRectum 9 dolls and horrible Next de-Generation transporter figures. I was standing there cursing to myself, as I am wont to do, when I notice that someone has ambled up behind me and is just standing there, not two feet away, staring at me.  I size the guy up and immediately decide that hes a kook of the highest calibre, as he is sporting a shoddy Gene Roddenberry mask - which was actually a pretty good likeness except for the goatee - and wearing a t-shirt that says Roddenberry 3:16 on it. I could feel it in my gut, or whats left of it, that there would be trouble. Carbon unit, I am searching for the creator., this nut-case says to me. YOU will assist me! So I think to myself Great, its that Ian guy from Australia, the one whos such a big fan of that snooze-fest Star Trek: The Motion-less Picture; hes snapped! Okay, so I decide to play along, at least until I can get one of the slack-jawed simian drones who works in this hell-hole to call the cops for me. Uh, yes, I say, I will contact the creator by punching in the code 9-1-1 on one of those communicators at the front of this, er, Starbase. No!, cries squirrel-bait, You are trying to deceive me! You are no better than Berman, Pillar, Braga! Hey, thems fightin-words, fruit-loop! I yell, This Aussies goin DOWN!. Then all hell broke loose Susie Dinkins, a Toys R Us employee, tells of the horrifying melee. I was walking by the action figure aisles when I notice, like, these, um, two guys, or whatever, and theyre, yknow, fighting? So I just, um, figure theyre, like, two action-figure collectors fighting to the death over some new Star Wars thing. So I walk by and follow store procedure. Which is? Do nothing. Go have a cigarette. Well, says Eggler, things got pretty messy, and the rat-bastard managed to pull out one of my lungs; the joke was on him though, cause Ive lost so many internal organs that I hardly felt it! Anyway, I managed to clock him in the head with a transporter figure, which is all those @%&*ing pieces of crap are good for anyway, and he went down like a sack of potatoes. Damn, I thought, that was almost TOO easy. Thats when I noticed it. Noticed what? A tag on the back of his neck that says Property of Playmates Toys, Inc.! Thats when I put it all together; this was the android that that Playtrek crack-head Potter designed in a mirror universe. It managed to get to OUR universe and its hunting for him. Well, lucky for me that Playmates makes crap in ANY universe! So I schlepped off in search of one of the drooling, pop-eyed, coke-sniffing trained monkeys that manages this rat-trap. However, when Eggler returned to the scene of the skirmish along with manager Cindy-Lou Who, who was no more than two, the crazed intruder was gone. He left behind a note written on the floor in Silly String. says Who. And it said -? The adventure has just begun. Chilling. LETTER TO THE EDITOR: Dear Playtrek Gazette Editor: I am a new collector of Star Trek action figures. Since you know everything, I want to ask you a few questions. What is the proper term to call the 9" Star Trek figures? Are they dolls or are they action figures? Just wonderin' Curtis C. Ollector curtis007@aol.com..earthlink.uk.juno.gov.msn.com.org..com.yahoo.ca P.S. I have 56 Target Stores near me, so I can get all the Target exclusives, no problem. --------------------------------- Dear Curtis: First of all, yes, I do know everything, but whatever I don't know, isn't worth knowing. Ya know? I believe the proper term to call the 9" Star Trek assortments is neither dolls nor action figures. There is a growing portion of collectors that prefer the phrase: "clothed plastic being". Although this doesn't sound as cool as action figure, it does not have the childish connotation of doll. Imagine talking about that 9" Kira clothed plastic being that you have. Doesn't this sound better that just an action figure or a doll? I think so. Try it yourself next time. Ed Itor P.S. There are 67 Target Stores near me, so there. :-P CLASSIFIEDS: Wanted- Limited Carded Original Tasha Yar Numbered 1702 For Sale- Playtrek T-Shirt Extremely Limited $900.00 Call 1-800-Yeah-Right