Playtrek Gazette August 1999, Part I Editor: John Contributors to this Issue: Roberto, Andrew Contact us at: playtrek@hotmail.com Well, it's been a few months since the last Gazette, but we've enjoyed our summer vacation. Most of the staff is still off following the Grateful Dead around on their summer tour (I know, I know: I've told them the news about the Dead a hundred times, but the short-term memory just isn't there anymore). The remaining staff is largely occupied with arguing over the intricacies of the Phantom Menace and why poor little R2-D2 can't step out of the house without something horrible happening to him. And we've been eating alot of Popsicles. This issue we'll take a break from knocking Playmates for a little while (well, not completely) and focus on the seemingly clueless retailers who bring us all so much joy and frustration. And we premiere our comprehensive price guide, listing prices for every action figure and accessory ever made. You asked for it, so you got it! So, drag your computers down to the beach with you for some light summer Playtrek Gazette reading and be sure to use plenty of sunblock. TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT TOYS R US by AndyNova 10. Hey, look. A Seska as a Cardassian. 9. Which way to the Star Trek peg? 8. Hey, gimmethatback. I saw the Tapestry Picard first. 7. Hey, you - get off that top shelf. 6. Wow! Look at all this selection to choose from. NOT! 5. What does the backwards "R" stand for? 4. Huh? My credit card was declined? 3. Mommie, mommie, is it alright that I get this TransporterSeriesRikerthat'spaintedwrongbutIwantitanyaway? 2. No, I asked for "Trek", not "Wars", you idiot. and, the Number One thing overhead at a Toy R Us: 1. Where's the nearest Target Store? THE CDC REPORTS NEW OUTBREAK - by AndyNova The Center for Disgruntled Collectors (CDC) in Atlanta, Georgia has identified a new ailment which has been designated "Targetavitis", or more simply referred to as the T-Virus. At risk groups include avid Star Trek action figure collectors. Known symptoms of the T-Virus include the uncontrollable urge to visit Target Stores on a daily basis looking for the latest Star Trek exclusives, willingness to pay exorbitant retail prices for said exclusives, jumping up and down in the toy aisle once said exclusives are observed, purchasing said exclusives using nickels and dimes only, doing a victory dance in the parking lot once said exclusives are bought and repeating the entire procedure over and over again. Director of the CDC, Rex Robert, explains this disorder. "Targetavitis has a serious affect of people, can make them act rather strangely and has a trickledown effect on their financial situation. However, those infected by the T-Virus receive a deep sense of satisfaction once those exclusives are purchased. So, Targetavitis isn't really all that bad, now is it?" Known persons infected with Targetavitis include about 400 e-mail users of the Playtrek mailing list. Families and friends are urged to be understanding toward these infected men and women. "They really can't control themselves sometimes," Director Robert says, "especially if they are in a Target Store and there are toys there. The best thing others can do is stay out of their way." Director Robert tells of a rare strain of the T-Virus found in upstate New York. This has been designated the Anti-T-Virus since the first reported case, known as "patient zero", has never actually stepped foot in a Target Store himself. Patient zero, a one Bill E., is under 24 hour observation from a duck blind located in the hill across from his house. Patient zero has been known to exhibit different symptoms. Most notably are the verbalizations of his zealous opinions about the general overall state of Star Trek, specifically action figures, and his inability to shop for Target exclusives himself. Further information on patient zero has been classified. Director Robert believes Targetavitis can be contained to the continental United States. "Since there are no Target Stores in Canada and overseas," Robert says, "we believe Targetavitis can be contained to the continental United States. During in-house experiments, the T-Virus has been ineffective in crossing large bodies of water, so we believe the rest of the world is safe." Director Robert then grabbed a huge bag of nickels and dimes and ran out to the parking lot exclaiming, "Goodbye. I've got to go to that Target Store 45 miles away. I haven't been there since Tuesday, so maybe they got some new stuff." There were skid marks left in the CDC's parking lot as his Ford LTD Crown Victoria departed. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS HITS TOYS INDUSTRY - Roberto Washington DC - In a move to appeal to a wider audience, Playmates Toys is changing the way they produce and market their Star Trek line of toys. "We're really excited about this new direction," says the Playmates Toys spokesperson, Vanessa Biggbrayne. "All our toys will now be made using politically correct packaging and nomenclature. We're hoping this will attract a new demographic while retaining our old one." New terminology will include: *** For the term "action figure" it was determined that the word "action" was too violent and portrayed an association with the current violence of the video game industry; therefore, the more passive term "plaything" will be used instead. The word "figure" was determined to be insensitive to those toys representing the ideal measurements put forth by the American Medical Association. Also, "action figure" does not properly denote the playability and toy nature of the toys. Therefore, the entire term "action figure" will be replaced with "Plaything Having Little Extremeties and Generating Mirth". Due to the length of new term, the acronym PHLEGM will be used from now on. *** For Star Trek, the word "ship" is confusing. Too often this term is too easily confused with the water bound relatives-- the boat. Also, the term "star" has multiple meanings, therefore "star ship" (and it's relative, "space ship") will be replaced with "Non-Earth Atmosphere Rendering that Moves Inbetween Stellar Stars" or NEARMISS. *** "Articulation", containing five syllables, is too hard to pronounce and will be replaced by the much simpler: "juncture". *** The term "doll" is improperly associate with girl toys and for many years, the misunderstanding of the term has hurt doll sales in the boy toy industry. The term "doll" will be replaced with the non-gender term "Image Manperson Not Only Targeted With Early Adolescents Reared In Non-Genderbased Partnerships And Non-Transsexual Steads" or for short,IMNOTWEARINGPANTS. *** The term "toy" will remain in effect until further notice. New concepts in packaging include the following: *** Holes in the clear plastic bubble of action figures and clear plastic window of doll packaging will allow sufficient breathability for the toys, in compliance with complaints lodged by PETOP (People for the Ethical Treatment Of PHLEGM) in the Fifth District Court of Costa Mesa, California under Judge Harribut Bigfatweiner. *** Due to numerous complaints of paper cuts on the cardbacks of action figure packagine, newer 1/2" thick cardboard stock will be used to manufacture the cardbacks. This measure is expected raise the cost of action figures by $1 each, but is an acceptable increase due to the expected safety benefits. Hazards due to splinters from the new cardbacks is under investigation. *** Accessory colors for all action figures and dolls will return to using the colors fuschia, magenta, mint green and "roadside hazard sign" orange. Due to new ATF regulations regarding toy gun manufacturing,all accessories that represent weaponry must conform to these colors. So, look for your favorite Star Trek PHLEGM on store shelves soon. Go to Kaybee Toys too see the exclusive IMNOTWEARINGPANTS. Pick up the new USS Enterprise-A toy and enjoy a NEARMISS experience with your friends. COMPREHENSIVE PRICE GUIDE Please note, while this price guide was compiled from sources all over the world it is meant only as a guide. Your mileage may vary. ***All figures and accessories, either loose or carded, are worth whatever someone is willing to pay for them.*** CLASSIFIED FOR SALE: Super rare Barclay from "Projections" PHLEGM. Limited to a short run of 3000 PHLEGMs, this PHLEGM is in high demand! Get it while supplies last! Call 800/BARCLAY. Ask for D. Schulz. FOR SALE: IMNOTWEARINGPANTS!!! Big sale! I must clear out my inventory and make room for all the year 2000 stock of Star Trek toys. Get them while they're hot! IMNOTWEARINGPANTS and I'm ready to sell cheap!!! Call me, Aries Galindo, at 1-900-GOTTAGO. Stay tuned for Part II.