Playtrek Gazette Vol. 1 Number 2 September 1998 Editor du Jour: John Contributors to this Issue: Roberto, John, Brandt Contact us at: playtrek@hotmail.com Welcome to the second issue of the Playtrek Gazette. In this exciting issue we are proud to bring you information on several new developments in the "Real Accessories" line, including two independent reports on the development of a working phaser! And, in some really weird stuff, we have an article that is actually based on fact! Well, at least a little of the article is, anyway. We’re also thrilled to announce our first contest, complete with fabulous prizes, to celebrate our second issue. So, let’s get to the news. [Editor’s note: For those of you who were counting on the arrival of the Gazette in your mailbox on the first of the month to remind you to pay your bills, well, you might want to run down to the offices of your various utilities before your water, sewer , gas, and electricity get cut off.] As always, our commitment is to bring you the most news possible about the Playmates Toys’ Star Trek line, with none of the burden of journalistic integrity. Contributions are welcomed, and criticisms will be ignored. NEW UPN STAR TREK SERIES ANNOUNCED - Roberto Hollywood, California - Prime time leviathan, Aaron Spelling, is teaming up with Paramount Studios and Playmates Toys to bring a bold new series to the fledgling UPN network. This new series, tentatively entitled Star Trek: Plaztik 90210, is promising to go where no series has ever gone before. Using Playmates Toys large line of Star Trek action figures, dolls, accessories, and ships, this new series will save buttloads on actor's salaries and special effects. "It's all so new and very exciting," says Spelling. "We have these special effects crews and they manipulate the toys in front of the camera in such a way that it's amazing. If you don't look too closely and ignore the hands manipulating the toys, it almost looks real. We're boldly going where no man has gone before! Make it so, Number One! Beat me up, Scotty! Is that how that goes?" Based upon the pilot episode, UPN has order a full season of shows. The powerful pilot episode, to be shown during 1998's November sweeps, is a Star Trek re-telling of the classic Jonathan Swift novel, "Gulliver's Travels". "In the story," tells executive producer, Rick Berman, "Captain Picard, played by a four and a half inch Picard as Galen figure, encounters a planet of these little bitty people, played by the Strike Force figures. And later in the story, Picard has to deal with a planet full of giant robots, played by a several nine inch Data dolls. It's very exciting. Oh, and there's a very special surprise guest star that appears at the end of the episode, but I won't mention who that is just now." Playmates Toys is also announcing a new line of toys based upon this new series. "Each month," stated an official from Playmates Toys, "we'll be selling special toys based upon each episode from the series. Our first one is a giant Tori Spelling doll, from her special guest appearance in the pilot episode. Oops! Did I just give that away? Scratch that. I didn't say that. If they ask you where you heard that, say Aaron Spelling spilled the beans, okay?" PLAYTREKKERS CON-GREGATE - John Somewhere in the Midwest, United States - In a rousing show of unity, a small group of Playtrekkers gathered recently to attend a Star Trek convention in a major midwestern city. Eight local Playtrekkers, mostly Con virgins, all piled into one of the group members 1964 Chrysler (nicknamed the USS Galileo) and headed off to the convention. On the way, several of the members were almost squealing in delight, saying that they couldn’t wait to get to the dealers room and buy up some of their favorite figures. The Con veterans explained that they shouldn’t get their hopes up too high, as although probably every Playmates Star Trek figure ever made would be in the room, most dealers sold them at a premium at these shows. The Con newbies, though, seemed unaffected by this information. Once at the Con, the group decided to head directly to the dealers room, as the special effects and makeup blooper reel (including the scene where Quark’s ears actually get so hot under the lights that they catch on fire and shoot off of his head like rockets, knocking Morn and an unidentified extra out of their barstools) wasn’t slated to begin the program until an hour later. Once in the room, the group headed to a large display of Playmates (and other) Star Trek figures. Despite the Con veterans’ warnings, the Con newbies immediately showed the ill effects of seeing the dealer’s prices. Two simply fainted straight-away. Two others went into a sort of catatonic state, with one standing stone-like, a figure clutched in his hands and his mouth agape, while the other, while in a similar stance, was at least able to utter repeatedly "What the?" over and over. One other member looked at the prices, and immediately went into convulsions of laughter, eventually being able to do nothing but curl up on the floor and laugh hysterically. The remaining Con newbie simply went into hyper-drive, running from table to table, checking prices on figures, babbling to himself. Luckily, the Con veterans had seen these reactions before, and came well prepared. Diving into their backpacks, they came out with smelling salts, and several assorted carded figures. Reviving the fainted, and putting their own figures in the hands of the catatonic, they herded them out to the snackbar area. They dragged the other poor newbie out, still giggling, to the snack area, and managed to round up the last remaining member by luring him out with one of the figures that they had brought. Once the group was assembled, resting comfortably and snacking on tranya and popped triticale, the Con veterans were able to talk the newbies through their harrowing experience. Several hours later, after seeing the trailer and blooper reels, and listening to the jocular stories of Jonathan Frakes, the group decided that they were ready to once again enter the dealers room. This time, with the coaching of the Con veterans, the group was able to scour the room, pick up the real bargains, and dutifully mock those dealers that were just there for the big scalp. "Man, that was fun," said one member, "but we would have been in a world of hurt if those Con veterans hadn’t been there to pull us through. It was touch and go for awhile, and I thought we’d lost a couple of the guys, but we all recovered nicely. I can’t wait for the next convention!" PLAYTREK EXCLUSIVE FIGURE MANIA HITS - John The Playtrek list has been abuzz lately as the excitement of making the dream of a Playtrek exclusive figure become a reality. It seems that there are as many different character choices for figures as there are Playtrek list members. The only real limitation to the choice of exclusive figure is that it must be constructed using existing molds, such as a simple headswap or a repaint of a figure. The wide range of figure choices has polarized the Playtrek list into roughly three camps: the "Captain Sulu" camp, the "Gold Uhura" camp, and the "Other" camp. So far, the lead vote-getter on the Playtrek Exclusive Figure webpage is the "Transporter Accident" figure. This figure consists of a Vash torso, Mugato head, Gorn pelvis, Data right arm, Vorgon left arm, Dathon right leg, and Picard left leg. Remember to cast your vote to help make the decision on which figure shall be the Playtrek Exclusive! In related news, list members are hard at work on putting together some ideas for Playtrek apparel. High on that list are the Playtrek Underpants Ensemble, which is to come complete with a silvery polyester cape and cowl, so that all home viewers can be either Playtrek Man or Playtrek Woman, depending on your gender, or just general preference at the moment. Stay tuned for additional details as they become available. PLAYTREK LIST LEADER TURNS DISCORDANT - John Roberto, Playtrek List Administer to the stars, recently claimed executive privilege and began a thread severely taking Playmates to task for misnaming their figures, particularly with respect to the upcoming Kim/ "Scorpion" Alien two-pack. Others on the list tried to calm the increasingly strident Roberto, telling him that the "Species 8472 is referred to as the "Scorpion" alien because the first episode in which it appeared is called "Scorpion", not because it is the "Scorpion" alien. Playmates has often used episode titles to describe it's figures", but the distressed Roberto would have none of it. "Yeah, but I get the distinct impression that since Playmates has *always* referred to this alien as the Scorpion alien and nowhere and at no time have they correctly referred to this alien as Species 8472, that that's what the finished product is going to say. It would be another in a long line of Playmates/Trek blunders (but it'd be great Playtrek Gazette material!)." Finally, after several rounds of increasingly hysteric e-mails in the course of a few hours, Roberto, thanks to his wife, went silent. Said his wife: "Roberto has been prone to these fits ever since Playmates started their shenanigans with the limited Thomas Riker and Redemption Data figures. Usually Roberto sits quietly reading his e-mail, but occasionally he’ll start getting really agitated. It’s always the same: some boneheaded marketing ploy by Playmates setting him off. I used to sit by and just let it run its course, but during the 1701 series fiasco, I knew I had to do something. I couldn’t stand to see him in that much pain. After watching a rerun of "Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom" I got an idea. I now have a tranquilizer dart pistol that I can use whenever he gets too worked up. A quick dart to the ass with a couple of cc’s of thorazine is usually enough to put him to sleep for several hours. It has really helped alot. Plus it’s kinda fun. Sometimes he won’t leave his computer chair, and I have to lure him away by attaching one of his carded figures to a string and throwing it on the floor where he can see it, and he follows it, snarling and growling at Playmates, as I pull it back, just out of his grasp. And then, whammo... nappy time. And I can get back to reading a good book." PLAYMATES ANNOUNCES NEW WAVE OF 4.5 INCH FIGURES- John La Mirada, California - In a surprise move, Playmates today announced that at least one more wave of 4.5-inch figures will be released. "We listened to the fans, and that’s what they wanted, so that’s what they’ll get", said a spokesman. "We turned our crack team of researchers loose in the film archives to make sure this assortment would be extra special and historically accurate." The next wave is slated to include Data from "Mirror, Mirror", Worf in green ballerina outfit from "Day of the Dove", Scotty from "Farpoint", and Tennessee Tuxedo and his pal Chumley from "A Piece of the Action". GRUMBY HUNGER STRIKE CONTINUES - Roberto La Mirada, California - Playmates Toys protester, Wallace Grumby has reached the one month mark on his hunger strike against Playmates' one-per-case policy on many of their Star Trek toy lines. He has been parked on the steps of Playmates' La Mirada offices, and only left for bathroom breaks and periodic toy shopping. "I still haven't found my T&T Dax," he croaked. The lack of food has left him weak, emaciated, and smelling pretty rank (the guy really needs to take a shower) but still he carries on in hopes of changing Playmates policy. A constant buzz of supporters has been around him during his ordeal. One such supporter, Chris Rei, had brought Grumby some crackers and tried to talk him into giving up the strike. "It's not worth dying for," stated Rei. "They're just toys, you know." When asked if he would be willing to part with his T&T Dax doll if Grumby would end the strike, Rei just laughed uncontrollably. Grumby said that that would not be the point anyway. He's not striking to get the toys. He's striking to try and change Playmates' policies. "Just spread the toys around. That's all I ask. And I want my Dax!" The police had to be called to subdue a distraught Grumby when he then accosted supporter Chris Rei, possibly due to his weakened mental and physical state. FAN FILES LAWSUIT- John California, home of the nuisance lawsuit - Arnold T. Pigg, a longtime collector of Star Trek toys recently filed a lawsuit in a California court recently charging that KayBee toys had violated his civil rights through their distribution patterns of clearanced items. Specifically Mr. Pigg charged that KayBee routinely and intentionally imposed segregation on their customers by only shipping some assortments to certain parts of the country. Argued Mr. Pigg: "It’s segregation plain and simple. For example, last year some nine inch figures were on clearance. The "Kira" wave went only to the west coast, while the "Q in Judges Robes" wave went only to the east coast. Similarly this year, the WF-1 assortment seems to only have gone to east coast stores, while we here on the west coast ended up only with WF2 figures. This has gotta end." The judge apparently agreed that it had to end, ordering the case, and Mr. Pigg, thrown out of court. In fact, the judge actually ordered the bailiff to chase Mr. Pigg from the courtroom, making sure the courtroom door hit him on the ass on the way out. Mr. Pigg, seemingly undeterred, then took his case to one of the numerous TV Court programs. Arguing his case before Roscoe Justice, whose sole legal experience was that he was a former chili cook-off judge ("You can smell my qualifications"), Mr. Pigg met similar results in that forum, including taking a gavel to the forehead. At this time the issue seems to be dead. THE *REAL* REASON PLAYMATES DIDN'T RELEASE THE PHASER RIFLE - Anonymous Playmates' PR department said that the phaser rifle toy was never released because marketing didn't think it would sell and Paramount didn't approve of "war-like" toys. Well, that's not the entire truth. Through super secret military contacts, this reporter (who wishes to remain anonymous for oblvious reasons) has uncovered Playmates' phaser rifle designer, Edward Warmonger, to now be working for the United States Department of Defense. In a clandestine interview, I asked Warmonger to explain the truth about what happened to the Star Trek phaser rifle, to which he replied, "You can't handle the truth!" After ensuring him that I could, indeed, handle the truth, he went on to explain. "I had it working! A real life, actual working phaser weapon! When I demonstrated it in the Playmates Toys' office and there was that accident with the cute filing clerk in the red outfit, well, the execs got a little nervous. They were skittish about making the toy. But by God, I was determined to have a real, live phaser weapon in the hands of every red-blooded American kid by next Christmas! I got a little... aggressive, you know, with the company vice president and damned if they didn't call the damn military on me. The ‘DoD' flew in with 'copters and everything to take me down. Oh man, you shoulda seen it! Anyway, they took me away and now they got me working for the US military, Secret Weapons Division. They really like my phaser rifle. They got a team of specialists working on it to see if they can make it a bit more ergonomic. Right now, they got me workin' on an agonizer, like in that Star Trek 'Mirror' episode. Them folks at the Playmates offices didn't seem to like my agonizer toy either. Kept screamin' and runnin' away every time I tried to show it to 'em." So there you have it. Due to the extremely sensitive nature of my contacts, I can neither confirm not deny the people who help me gain this interview, but regardless they have my gratitude. Remember: the truth is out there. MAN INJURES HIMSELF FOR TOYS - Roberto In a quiet little corner of New York state, civil servant Bill Eggler has put an entire community on alert. After twelve visits to the emergency room in one month for various bizarre accidents, officials became suspicious. State Trooper, Roy Busthedz, said, "We heard reports that he'd accidently lacerated his gut while shaving, lost his toe when he dropped a Yugo on it, and torn his ear half off while trying to pierce his own lobes with a pair of scissors-- all within one week. We monitored his home and noticed a package delivered to his home after each "accident". We were tracing the packages to several Internet connected Star Trek toy collectors, when he committed his coup de grace. He "accidently" broke the bathroom mirror and "accidently" swallowed several shards of glass." Apparently after an initial, real physical crisis, several friends had sent him toys as consolation. Mr. Eggler's behavior soon because erratic and he quickly developed a co-dependent relationship in that he would deliberately hurt himself, tell his internet friends, then receive toys from them as get well gifts. When police and sanitarium employees arrived at Eggler's home to take him into protective custody, he barricaded himself in his home, placed a toy phaser to his head, and threatened to take his own life. This didn't slow anybody down since the phaser was, of course, a toy, but Eggler climbed onto the roof of his two story home and threatened to jump. He's been there for two days now, with no sleep and nothing to eat except the uniform of his 9" Beverly Crusher doll. Meanwhile, the neighborhood is at a standstill. Ms. Ima Nozeegal said this about her disturbed neighbor, "He was such a nice, quiet man, although he liked to keep to himself. He was a bit of a loner." Longtime Internet friend, Don Hi11en***** was quite candid. "Bill always was a weird one. He was funny as heck, but still weird, you know." No word yet on when the standoff will end. Officials hope that Eggler falls asleep soon and they can take him into custody. In the meantime, Internet friend and get well toy gift provider, Melissa Perry, has been called to the scene to try and talk her friend down and possibly, save his life. STARFLEET INTELLIGENCE - John Here, once again, is the latest, behind the scenes, information on upcoming releases of Star Trek items from Playmates Toys. Our fearless spies, informants, and stoolies have risked all to bring you this breaking news. For legal reasons, and to protect our sources, these must be labeled as "Rumors" for now, but mark our words, just keep watching those store aisles. RUMOR: Three-packs of figures in mini-diorama packaging, like the very popular three-pack sets recently released in the Star Wars line by Kenner are said to be on tap. Known sets to be released soon include: "TOS Geezers" (Admiral Kirk, Captain Scott, and Admiral McCoy); "TNG Geezers" (Captain Crusher, Governor Worf, and Admiral Riker from "All Good Things"); "Skin of Evil" 3-pack (Riker, Yar, and a jar of black Slime); and finally, the "Klingons: Search of Uranus" set, for which no further information is available (although the diorama packaging artwork for this one is reportedly having a hard time getting through the standards and practices approval process). RUMOR: A prototype of a working Phaser was recently developed in the laboratories of Playmates Toys as part of the "Real Accessories" line. "The night janitorial staff, who typically test-play most of our products, had a literal blast with it, seriously damaging the new "Fashion Annie" wing of the building." Unfortunately, this commotion attracted too much attention, and the prototype was confiscated by the Department of Defense the next morning, who also arrested its inventor. The prototype was destroyed, however, as the Army personnel apparently accidentally set the phaser on overload, and their car and its occupants (including the inventor) vanished in a blinding flash of light on the way out of the parking lot. [Editor’s note: this rumor conflicts with the new reported in the article above -- we suspect sinister disinformation programs are at work]. RUMOR: In another development in the "Real Accessories" line, we have learned that Playmates’ toy engineers were working on a real time travel device. When asked about the project, a Playmates spokesman replied, "Yeah, we were working on that one really hard, but it turned out to be an abject failure, so we abandoned the project. Chronitron particle buildup in the phase bypass converter kept causing an overload in the, uh... flux capacitor." In apparently unrelated news, attorneys with the US Patent Office searched patent records at the behest of the Playmates company, and found that, as claimed, Playmates did indeed hold the patents on the Hula hoop, the Barbie doll, the wankel rotary engine, and white bread, among other things, and were due huge royalties for the use of these patents by others. Asked about this, the Playmates spokesman said, "Hee hee. Ooooooohhhhhhh yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhh! I mean, no comment." RUMOR: In a rush to capitalize on the current bean-bag toy craze, Playmates has started work on a line of Star Trek related bean-bag toys aimed primarily at the adult collector market. Product under development in the initial line included: the Crystalline Entity, Horta and Eggs, and Captain Kirk. Our sources said that the Crystalline Entity beany bag did not test well. "Unfortunately, in an effort to make it realistic, the prototype was constructed primarily of plate glass. With all the sharp edges and points, the test group went through 5 boxes of Band-Aids before the toy engineers realized that the test group was not suited to the toy. It’s unlikely that it will be make it to production. The Horta and Kirk beanies, however, tested very successfully. The Beanfuls Horta (with 2, 3, or 4 eggs!) was high on the gross-out appeal scale for the kids, and the Kirk was, well, just darn cuddly." CLASSIFIEDS Figures wanted: Looking for the Marauder Mo figures "Letek" and "Bractor". Please, these will complete my set. Contact Quark at Subspace 909, DSN 9. For Sale: Venus drug for sale, guaranteed to please your mate. Only available in very small doses (compatible with someone 4.5 inches tall) and really weird pastel and neon colors. Employment: Kaybee Toys currently has an exciting opportunity for employment. No experience necessary. Illiteracy a plus! We'll train you on the job to stock shelves, shirk responsibility, run automatic cash registers, obfuscate consumer inquiries, count higher than twenty, and many other life-long skills that will take you up the corporate ladder. All for a minimum wage! For job opportunities in your area, please call 1-800-SLACKER Lost and Found: Lost! Has anyone seen my brain? I've misplaced it. If you've seen it, call me. 1-800 PERSONWHOTHOUGHTMUTATEDPARISWASAGOODIDEA Lost and Found: Pants lost! I'm not wearing pants! Has anyone seen my pants! Contact Aries at mailbox 7268 (PANT) For Sale: Rare Playmates prototype of Armus from STTNG's "Skin of Evil" episode. Comes exclusively packaged in used Penzoil can. $1000 firm. 1-900-SCALPER For Sale: 9" Beverly Crusher doll. C-10, MIMB, except for slight crunch on bottom, left, back corner, small ding in plastic window that you can only see if you hold it up the the light at just the right angle, indentations on cardboard backing where someone obviously overlayed another peice of paper and wrote the words "Hold for Jarvis -- Will pick up on Tuesday" because you can read it if you hold it up to the light. Also, the hair band has gotten loose, making Crusher have really big hair and looking like a cheap whore. Additionally, the tape used to close the box was not originally applied in a perfectly perpendicular arrangement, but rather is skewed slightly to one side giving it that anal-retentive-not- quite-right look. $35 or negotiable. 1-555-NITPICK For Sale: Aries' pants. $95 firm (and pressed) 1-555-STEALEM FOR SALE For Sale: Get 'em while they're hot! The hit movie "Titanic" now on video! We are the *only* company selling this video and it's only available for a short time in limited quantities! $24.95 1-900-GETACLUE LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: Dear Editor: As a morally upstanding person, I was distressed to read the subliminal message in your last issue. Subliminal messages have long been used by the recording industry to transmit evil into the world. Please do a better job and get rid of these things in the future. Up Right and All Right. Dear Up Tight: You are correct, and I will try to do a better job in the future. During my teenage years subliminal messages caused more damage to my record player than they should have. All that trying to play LPs backwards was just too much for the equipment. Truly evil stuff. For maximum impact they should have just built them into the song lyrics. In response to your comment, I have done a thorough scan, and from this issue I have edited out the following messages: "Imperial Teen rocks", at least 15 "Send toys to Roberto" messages, "Eat Sugar Flakes cereal", "6-inch scale bites" and , oddly enough, "Strike Force rules". Believe me, we will be more !erugif sutucoL hcni-9 a tnaw I diligent in the future in weeding out subliminal messages. Thanks for reading. CORRECTIONS: In the last issue, the subliminal message said "Send toys to Roberto". It should have read: "Send toys to John". We regret any inconvenience this may have caused our readers. The Editor. CONTEST TIME: Bet you thought we forgot about this one, eh? In honor of our second issue anniversary, we are proud to announce our first contest. Okay, here’s the question: What is the strangest accessory to ever come with a Playmates Star Trek figure? Send your answer, by October 1st, to: playtrek@hotmail.com One entry per person, please. Winners will be chosen by random drawing from all entries received. And here are the fabulous prizes you can win, so send in your entry now: Grand Prize: 4.5 inch Admiral McCoy figure, mint on roughed up card plus an assortment of "various accessories" to go with him. 1st Prize: 4.5 inch Admiral McCoy figure, mint on roughed up card. 2nd Prize: 4.5 inch Admiral McCoy figure, mint on roughed up card. 3rd Prize: 9" Target exclusive Holodeck Doctor from Voyager, mint in sorta mint box. That is all. For now.