Playtrek Gazette Vol. 1 Number 5 December 1998 Editor: John Contributors to this Issue: Roberto, Andrew, Charles, ImdeadJim, T'Pring Contact the Gazette at: playtrek@hotmail.com Happy Holidays. Welcome to the Gala Holiday Issue of the Playtrek Gazette. Due to a temporal disturbance, the Spooky Halloween Issue was also the November issue, although it really came out in October, and this is the December issue. Got it? So don't fret if you think you missed an issue. In other news, the Gazette is proud to finally have on staff someone with actual experience in the journlism field: ace reporter Charles Apple. With Mr. Apple's experience, the Pulitzer is sure to ours in 1999. Plus, Mr. Apple will soon go out on assignment for the Gazette. So far, the stories under consideration for him to cover are: a Playboy magazine centerfold photo shoot to clarify the Playmate/Playmates thing, or an extended, three month safari to check out the Star Trek toy distribution patterns in the South Sea islands. No expenses will be spared in our pursuit of these stories. The entire Playtrek Gazette operating budget, currently residing in a coffee can, will be committed. So far our resources include 34 cents, a badly spindled Environmental Suit Kirk trading card, a button, and several unidentified accessories for 4.5-inch figures. Stay tuned. >From the staff of the Playtrek Gazette: Happy Holidays. LETTER TO SANTA: Andrew Novasitis Deer Sannta Clause, I'm been very good boy this year. Wehn you visit are house this Christmas, I wood like you to leaf theese tings for mee. As you kno, I luv Star Trek action figgers, so dat is what I whant: (a) T&T O'Brain (chek the North Pole KB 3/$10 bins); (b) Seska as a Cardassian (I cant find any aground heer); (c) Keiko O'Brien ('cause she looks like my mommie); (d) 9" Borg (cauze relistance is fertile); (e) Sevven of Nine latinnum statute (for daddy); and finaly, (f) a Dathon with pog. Plez make shore that all r: MOC, no corner dings, NRFB, perfect plastic blister bubbles and great paint jobs. Tank ywho sAnta. Very Truly Yours, 'lil Christopher 8 years old Tulsa, Oklahoma ARRESTED AT THE NORTH POLE: Andrew Novasitis The Playtrek Gazette has learned that earlier this month, a certain Mr. S. Claus was arrested and cited for Star Trek action figure hoarding, the worst crime imaginable at the North Pole. According the Mr. Claus' statement, he was simply gathering up various toys that many boys and girls wanted. He testified, "I was surfing the 'net one day, and I happened upon this website called Playtrek. I never heard about it before. What to my wandering eyes should appear, but various want lists with names on it. So I download the information. I sorted and cross referenced it all by items and e-mail addresses. As per my reputation, I was just trying to be helpful, and make sure these little boys and girls got the toys that they wanted." As stated on the police report, Mr. Claus then proceeded to make the world's largest toy run. He woke up his reindeer, got his sleigh ready, and then flew off and shopped all around the world in search of these wanted items. He stopped at 3,149 Targets, 956 Wal-Marts, 1,293 KB Stores, 1,701 Toy R Us and 2 FAO Schwartz. He stated he accomplished all this toy shopping in one night, but not one officer at the police precinct believed this statement. Mr. Claus attested, "Yes - all in one night. This was easy compared to December 24th. That goin' up and down all those damn chimneys is a pain in my caboose." Once his attorney, Mr. Elfman, made his appearance, Mr. Claus was released on $39.99 bail. His hearing date is scheduled for December 26th. However, the police confiscated the evidence. From the police inventory, here is a partial listing of items: 398 sets of Mirror Mirror McCoy and Uhura, 603 sets of Chekov and Sulu transporter figures, 431 sets of Environmental Suit Spock and Chekov, 415 T&T O'Briens, 18 low numbered carded figures and 1 Lt. Tom Paris (as seen in the episode "Threshold"). TREK FIGURES IN 1999: Andrew Novasitis With Playmates' recent announcement that the 4.5" line of figures will still be alive and well in 1999, this Gazette reporter has time traveled and discovered what 4.5" figures and multi-packs will be released next year. With that other sci-fi movie coming out in May 1999, Playmates will certainly have their work cut out for them. They will try to compete with the menace by selling excellent figures of their own. Here is a peak into the future. At their fantastic presentation at the Toyfair convention in New York City, Playmates will announce that articulation is back for 1999 and all subsequent 4.5" figures will have at least 10 points of articulation. There will be no more limited or shortpacked figures. Gone will be the pre-posed action stances. These revelations will overshadow any phantom. The first assortment to be released will be in March 1999. Warp Factor Series 6 will consist of four figures. The first figure will be Seven of Nine in her silver catsuit. She will be packed 9 per case to meet demand. This is a no-brainer - guaranteed HUGE seller. She will have moveable arms and legs with 10 points of articulation. The next figures will be in celebration of Deep Space Nine's final season. They are General Martok and Weyoun. A Klingon and an baddie alien - again, guaranteed BIG sellers. With DS9 wrapping up the story, certainly these two character will play an important part in the big season finale. Finally, the last figure of this assortment will be a tribute to Star Trek's past and dedicated to a fine actor, who made a big contribution to the Star Trek lore. From TOS, they will make an Ambassador Sarek figure, as seen in Journey to Babel. Of course, the recently departed Mark Lenard played Sarek and he will always be remembered in this role. Nothing against the TNG version of Sarek released years ago, but this Sarek will be fully posable and a fine action figure addition. It is rumored that 20,000 cases will be produced. Not one person will have any trouble finding them at retail. Playmates will next release two action figure multi-packs in early April 1999. The first one will be from the TOS episode Mudd's Women and feature all three of Mudd's Women - Eve, Magda and Ruth. Again, how could these not sell? These will bring in the casual collector and delight the die hard fans. Again, each figure will have plenty of articulation. The other twin pack will be from the DS9 episode "Battle Lines" and will feature a Kai Opaka figure and a repainted Kira. Kira will have a dirty uniform since this episode featured a battle on an alien planet where Kai Opaka died and then came back to life but she had to stay on that planet otherwise she would die for good. One new figure and one re-used figure. Fine cost cutting procedure. Both multi-packs immediately sell out, even though Playmates made 30,000 units of each. A company press release states however, "Under no circumstances will we re-release these multi-packs." Playmates will concede the months of May, June, July and August to Star Wars. Simple economics. Shelf space will be at a premium. However in early May, people will still be asking retailers for those Mudd's Women, which are hard to find now. Who needs a power droid or yoda figure, when you can be three gorgeous ladies? Under pressure from the retailers and every member of Playtrek (who each e-mails Playmates five times a day asking for more Mudd's Women), Playmates is forced to do a second production run of the Mudd's Women multi-packs, and these arrive at retail stores one week before the new Star Wars movie opens. Since all of the new secretive SW figures aren't to arrive until *after* the movie is out, the new Mudd's Women multi- packs sell out in one week's time. Yet another company press release states, "OK, that's it. No more Mudd's Women. Alright, stop e-mailing us, our mailboxes are full already." Then, everybody goes crazy about the new SW and buys seventy-seven million Kenner figures. Playmates' President informs everyone in the company to take the next three months off and go to Tahiti, all expenses paid. This takes us to the September release of the next Warp Factor Series 7. With everyone back from Tahiti all rested up and sun-tanned, Playmates decides to do a huge marketing campaign for this assortment, since one figure will be from each incarnation of Star Trek (TOS, TNG, DS9 and VOY). The first figure will be the M-113 Salt Monster from the TOS The Man Trap episode. This figure will be a good solid piece of plastic, with as many points of articulation as the Esoqq figure. Guaranteed seller - alien and TOS related. Accessories will include a salt shaker and a five pound bag of Morton's Salt. The next figure will be Kamala from TNG episode The Perfect Mate. Again, huge seller - female figures always sell more, despite what Playmates thinks. (Hmmm, that sentence doesn't quite sound right, but you get the idea.) Next, from DS9 will be Ezri Dax. Even though she was only on during the final year of DS9, collectors will demand her. After all, Playmates did make a figure of Dr. Pulaski, right? Ezri Dax will come with a removable Trill symbiot so that it can be placed in the next action figure of the actress who plays the role in the next tv series. Finally, from Voyager, the Hirogen alien. As with the Salt Monster, this will be a good sized figure, with plenty of articulation. Again, evil alien character means big seller. Each of these four figures will be evenly packed, 4 per case. The production run has been stated at 30,000 units for each figure. However, even at those numbers, there is not one single pegwarmer. Then, in mid-October 1999, it is announced that there is a world-wide shortage of plastic. Since Kenner produced eight gazillion SW figures, the entire world supply of useable plastic is gone. This forces Kenner into bankruptcy. Playmates, however, in their infinite wisdom and general all around business savvy, had been stockpiling tons and tons of plastic on their secret research and development island in the middle of the China Sea. A company press release states, "Until this shortage ends, which experts predict in two to three years, Playmates toys will be the only new toys available. We have been forced to rethink our marketing strategy. We will make as many figures as people want. Just let us know which ones you want, and they will be made. We want to be your toy company. Heck, we're the only toy company left." First up on the schedule will be a re-re-release of the Mudd's Women multi-pack. PLAYTREKKER IN OHIO ARRESTED: Andrew Novasitis After purchasing the recent assortment of TNG transporter figures at his local Toy 'R Us store, playtrekker Don Hill was apprehended by Stark County, Ohio police when Mr. Hill paid for the five figures with counterfeit money. While being booked at the downtown Canton precinct, Don gave the following statement to Officer Greg JustGreg: "Since the five TNG figures all have the uniforms colors reversed, I thought that I would pay for them using currency that had the colors reversed also. As I am the owner of Old World Graphics ...a printing/ art studio company proudly serving the Buckeye State since 1988... I simply made a reverse image color photocopy of some of those weird looking brand new $20 bills. Those new bills already look like play money, so I thought that nobody would notice, certainly not those einstein TRU employees. So, I did it. I gave the cashier the phony money and he took it with no problem. Maybe the cashier was distracted by the crying six year boy in line behind me. I think the kid wanted a yellow teletubbie but his mother wouldn't allow him to get it. I can remember her saying, "No, Ted, you already have a red one." Oh, the things children do to get stuff they want. "So, I walked out of the store with the five figures, got in my VW beetle and drove home. I was taking the figures out of the packages, since I'm an opener, ya know. Boy, those little twist ties are difficult, huh? Oh, you don't collect them, do ya? Well, the next thing I know, my front door was busted open and I was arrested. By the way, how did you catch me?" Officer JustGreg explained, "You know when they ask you for your telephone number when you purchase toys at Toys 'R Us, well you gave your phone number, didn't you? And the TRU cashier, Chuckie "The Body" Apple, remembered you, since you were the only person to buy Trek stuff in the last two months. So we simply looked up your phone number and tracked you down that way." Later, while being fingerprinted by Officer JustGreg in a rather sloppy manner, Don remarked, "Oh, what a terrible finger-paint job. You people can't do fingerprinting properly. Look at that, there's stray ink dots all over the paper. You have to put my inked fingers *IN* the little boxes, not just anywhere. Take some pride in your work, okay?" When allowed his one phone call, Don didn't know who to call since he doesn't have any friends. So, he decided to call Boberto, an internet friend, to bail him out. Since Boberto lives in Delaware, Don had to call collect. Boberto had to drive all night to get to Ohio to bail him out. Since Boberto didn't have the $500 bail money, he brought with him as collateral his Redemption Data, Esoqq and Thomas Riker figures. They both were surprised when the judge accepted the figures as bail money. Judge Cue remarked, "I felt sorry for that poor pathetic excuse for a being. I just told him - go back to your home, you don't belong out here." As Don was leaving, all he could say to Boberto was, "Never give your phone number at the Toy R Us." Don's hearing date is scheduled for December 11, 2001. NEW PLAYMATES SYSTEMS TO COMPETE IN GAME MARKET - Roberto AnotherdamnedsuburbofLA, California - Playmates Toys, in an attempt to break into the highly competitive game system market and compete with SuperNintendo Entertainment Systems and Sony Playstation, announces their all new PlayMate System (or PMS for short). "The new PMS," says a Playmates Toys representative, "pushes the limit beyond all other game systems. Where the other games have 64 bit systems, we've gone a step further and have developed a 67 bit system. That's three extra bits for your buck. More than you'll get with those other systems. These things will be the hot toy this Christmas-- something every child and adult will want under their Christmas tree. Everybody needs PMS this Christmas!" When asked about what games will be available for PMS, Playmates announced such games as "Stupid Manilow Brothers 2000", "Asteroids 3-D", "Star Trek: Heap Grace Mine", "Govern Your Own State with Jesse 'The Body' Ventura", "Quake: Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On", and "The World's Scariest Police Chases in Vermont and Maybe New Hampshire". Each PMS will ship with a free copy of "Night of the Crabby Woman" game. The Playmates representative enthused, "We're really hoping everyone will be PMS-ing this holiday season. Imagine every household with PMS on Christmas morning. It'll be beautiful! PMS is the future in entertainment and will carry over into next year and beyond. PMS will be great for getting through those long, boring winter months." What's the cost of PMS? Retail is $225 with a $10 rebate with the purchase of any Advil product. Playmates Toys recommends getting your PMS early, before it's all gone. PLAYTREK VANDAL ESCAPED - Roberto Udders, Pennsylvania - The Playtrek Vandal, Ted A. Nichols II, was arrested last month on charges of vandalizing a Route 30 overpass with such maxims as "Playtrek Rocks!", "Borg Queen Rocks!", and "Dr. Laura Schlessinger Rocks!" Bail was set at $100, but was unexpectedly raised to $500 when Nichols "vented plasma" before the judge and offended the court. However, bail was paid by Nichol's surrogate uncle, Jeff Beard. Nichols was to remain in his room, but he has since skipped bail and is now considered a fugitive from the Pennsylvania state police. "I'm really disappointed in the guy," say Beard. "I hocked my Tapestry Picard to get the money for bail, then he goes and does this on me." When asked why he was willing to risk his prized Tapestry Picard, Beard said, "Well, it was my wife that really convinced me that Ted was an upstanding guy. In hindsight, I realize that she'd just been Eddie Haskell'ed into trusting him. He kept telling her 'My, you're looking lovely today Mrs. Beard' and stuff like that. She feels like an idiot to realize that she'd been snookered like that." Last week, authorities thought they had caught Nichols in Philadelphia suburb, Valley Forge. But when he attempted to "vent plasma" to thwart them, he accidently "fired retro rockets" and a hazardous waste team had to be called in while he got away. Nichols' escape has become since become an interstate affair. Police are concentrating their search in the neighboring state of Delaware, as Nichols is believed to be attracted to the fact that Delaware has its own brand, spanking new Target store and no sales tax. Also there's that big "Roberto Rocks!" painted on the side of Roberto's home has alerted them that he might be in the area. THE AISLE OF MISFIT TOYS by ImdeadJim edited by T'Pring A merry band of Playtrekkers set out one cold December day to hunt for Trek toys. They had marked all the stores on their well- travelled route. There was Christmas magic in the air and all were happy to be shopping. Unknown to our merry band, this was not going to be a typical day of shopping. First they entered a Toys R Us, on a direct course for the infamous aisle seven. But today the isle seemed transformed. Each and every self was stocked to the edge with Star Trek toys, but, curiously, none of the new releases. Paints canisters and brushes lay strewn about the floor. A faint whisper echoed down the aisle, "King Robert is here". Yes, our very own King Robert was among this group of Playtrekkers. Robert was trying to decide if he was the subject of a practical joke when a small voice called to him. He turned and there at eye level stood Paris in Pj's. "King Robert, I have been waiting for you," said PJ Paris. Robert could not speak. PJ told Robert of his mission. He had spent all year finding Star Trek toys that were misfits. PJ brought them to the Aisle of Misfit Toys to correct their errors. He feared that if he returned the misfits to the OTHER aisle seven, they would become victims of the Abominable Scalper. Robert looked around. He saw Tom Rikers, Pulaskis, and YE Yars in their appropriate uniforms! The card backs for Troi and Tapestry Picard had been corrected! There were so many wonders to behold that Robert could scarcely believe it. Robert asked PJ why he had been chosen. PJ replied, "I trust that you will make sure they find good homes." PJ then commanded that all the toys follow King Robert. Robert and all his fellow shoppers found themselves outside the store with bags of perfect toys. After placing all the toys in the car, Robert ran back into the store to thank PJ Paris and to see if he would come home with him. Robert never found the mystical aisle of misfits, but on the way out he heard a distant voice say, "Merry Christmas to all. I'm in my pj's so goodnight." With a smile, Robert left the store knowing this would indeed be a great Christmas! PLAYTREKKER SELLS BLOOD TO PAY FOR FIGURES: Andrew Novasitis There are unconfirmed reports that playtrekker, Ed A. Nickels XX, has been selling pints of his own blood at local blood banks in Udders, Pennsylvania, to help pay for the many new Star Trek store exclusives, movie 9"ers and 12"ers, and the latinum figurines. A source inside the York County Blood Bank states, "Yes, I remember Ed. He's quite a high strung young man. But, he has great blood. He's been stopping by for the past few months after school and selling us pints and pints of his blood. You should see how red it is. Good stuff." When asked if this bloodletting can cause any physical harm, the source states, "Nah, he's a growing boy. He's got plenty of it to spare. Besides, he can only sell us two pints a day. Anything more would seriously affect his mental well-being." Another source inside neighboring Cumberland County Blood Bank, confesses that Ed has also been selling his blood at their facility. "Sure, he comes in about seven times a week. Some weeks, more than that. He keeps mentioning some latin Vulcanian Leader he wants. I dunno, sumthing like that. Anyways, he gives us blood and we give him money. No questions asked." Ed's mother, Martha, has been contacted and states, "Yes, Ed has been buying alot of Star Trek figures and stuff lately. But, he has an afterschool job at the local Burger World, so that is where he is getting the money." When asked how Ed can afford the three new latinum statues, totalling almost $300, Martha commented, "Well, since he's a hard worker and such a fine little boy, maybe Burger World is paying him twice the minimum wage." A classmate of Ed's contacted the Gazette after becoming concerned about Ed's well-being and state of mind. This reporter met this classmate, who will be referred to as Master X, behind the school gym one day after classes. Master X declares, "Yes, Ed has been selling his blood to get money to pay for his Star Trek toy buying habit. He's been telling me, 'Hey, Joey, look at all this money I got for selling my blood. I'm gonna buy some 9"ers at the Spencers tonight. Selling blood rocks!!!'" When asked to comment further, Joey ... er, Master X, says, "One time, Ed just fell asleep right in the middle of Geometry class. I guess he just didn't have enough blood getting to his head. When we tried to wake him up, he was all dazed and confused and was mumbling something about needing to update some "oldforce" website. We think he has a serious problem. Can you help him?" This reporter assures that every attempt will be made to reform Ed. Ed was confronted directly during a recent toy shopping trip, and Ed strongly denies everything. He was quite persistent that this is totally untrue. Then, just as quickly, Ed states that he has to go and do something. He darts away briskly, knocking into a newspaper box, gets up and continues the running. When last seen, he was heading towards a hospice which is located across from the downtown Udders Toys 'R Us. So, there you have it. With the new movie 9"ers and 12"ers just now arriving at retail stores, many are concerned about this fragile, young boy from rural Pennsylvania. Our best wishes go out to Ed. PLAYMATES ANNOUNCES GIFT SETS AND EXCLUSIVES FOR HOLIDAY SEASON Charles Apple Playmates has announced its new line of exclusive Star Trek action figure assortments for the holiday season: 1) Honeybaked Ham Exclusive Classic James T. Kirk: This is a standard nine-inch Kirk doll, but with a sugar coating which is heated into a caramelized glaze. Playmates says this figure will be joined by the RicePicker Ear Spock and the Candied Yam McCoy figures, which it plans to offer next Thanksgiving. 2) Microsoft Exclusive Commander Data: This nine-inch Data in new Dress Uniform contains a tiny computer chip, so he can crash, freeze- up, screw up math computations and perform other tasks to promote the functions of Windows '98. Data also comes with detailed but mostly incomprehensible instructions on how to install his program. Finally, Data comes with an additional emotion chip... mostly, so he can laugh at his own price. 3) Mirror Mirror gift set: Due to popular demand, Playmates has elected to issue 4.5-inch "Mirror Mirror" figures of the entire classic Star Trek main cast. As a cost-saving measure, however, Playmates will not change the head sculpts or body decor of any of the figures. Instead, the standard figure, originally issued in the "Classic Bridge Set", will be packaged with two 5-inch x 7-inch vanity mirrors--hence, the name of the set. 4) "Spiderman" movie exclusive figures: Several new figures will be available to Star Trek collectors who flock to see the new Spiderman movie, directed by James Cameron. The first wave of exclusives will be Dr. Beverly Crusher as she appeared in Star Trek: Insurrection, Ensign Pavel Chekov as he appeared in the animated Star Trek episodes, and Janice Rand as she appeared in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Playmates officials say that future waves may include Savaak from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, Jadzia Dax as she appeared in the seventh season of Deep Space Nine, and Captain Kirk as he appeared during the episode in which Shatner earned an Emmy nomination for best actor in a dramatic series. 5) Spencer's Exclusive Deanna Troi and Will Riker: Unlike the disasterous Neelix/Dax exclusives carried by Spencer's last year, these figures will NOT be sold in the usual "science fiction" section of the store, but rather on one of those shelves further in the back, around which teenagers gather and point and giggle among themselves. The Riker figure will come with handcuffs, a blindfold and an edible uniform. Troi will come with a bottle of bubble bath, containers of chocolate syrup and whipped cream, and some rather strange battery- operated devices with which we're not quite sure exactly what one is supposed to do. Spencer's is also offering these figures via mail- order. They are shipped in a plain, non-descript brown wrapper. HORRIFIED PARENTS RETURN FURBYS: Charles Apple Reports have rolled in from across the country from angry parents whose children have received "defective" Furbys as early Christmas gifts. These Furbys are tellling the children such things as "I don't like you. I don't like ANYbody. Put me down. Leave me alone." A spokesperson for Tiger Electronics apologized for the incident, saying that the voice chip placed in the errant Furbys were actually intended for the new Bill Eggler doll, scheduled for early 1999. For a replacement Furby or for information about the FuzzEggler, Tiger suggests customers check out their website at www.bite.me.com. ALIENS ATTACK PHILADELPHIA; EAGLES LOSE AGAIN: Charles Apple Residents of Philadelphia were recently terrorized by what scientists think were aliens from another planet who had come to Earth to do some holiday shopping. Eye-witness reports stated that these multi-headed but apparently tiny-brained creatures sampled Earth life at a number of Philadelphia area malls and Target stores. One particularly weird-looking creature was seen leaning out the window of a moving vehicle, bellowing in his otherworldly tongue something about a "Borg Queen." Proud residents of the area tried to humor the aliens but most simply found them annoying. "Yeah, the little fellow who leaned out of the window sure was ugly," said Mrs. Riker Williams, of Upper Darby, Pa. "And you could tell just by looking at him that he was venting plasma." Mrs. Williams went on to note that shortly thereafter, the alien driving the vehicle lost control and spun onto the center median of the highway. "The little one was blowing so much smoke, it was throwing the car off the road." Williams said. "There ought to be a law." Witnesses said that the aliens could be identified by the strange uniforms they wore. Officials have reviewed Target store surveillance tapes and have subsequently suggested the aliens were from the planet "PlayTrekkus". Meanwhile, the Philadelphia Eagles still suck. AN ODE TO TED A. NICHOLS II: Charles Apple Better known as Lil'Questie; Ted recently went out on his first date. The 'blessed event' inspired the following: Just because you've become a young man now there's some things that you don't understand now before you give some girl all your toys, now gotta let her know you're not like other boys, now My Mama told me: Ya gotta shop around Take her into town and to th' Kay-Bee, son in the bin you'll spend ten bucks and get three, son Then go to Target and ya get the Trek dolls, son Then you leave and both hit the local malls, son My Mama told me: Ya gotta shop around Try to find yourself a bargain, son, and ya oughtta buy her somethin' when she says 'this is cool' Good lookin' girls are a dime a dozen, But if ya pass up one who tolerates your toys, you're a fool! So if ya march her down the aisle at T.R.U., now When ya gaze at her she smiles right back at you, now Be on the lookout for that kinda reaction, now There are OTHER figures that also have some action, now My Mama told me: Ya gotta shop around CLASSIFIEDS FOR SALE: My entire collection of Star Trek toys. Everything must go. E-mail me for a detailed list and pricing. Thank you. JohnDoe@PlayTrekker.com WANTED TO BUY: Any and all Star Wars. And those hard-to-find Starting Lineups of Sosa and McGwire. And Beanie Babies. And the new X-Files and Harley Davidson Barbies. And the new Lost In Space figures. And then new G.I. Joe Generals series, and that cool new reissue of the Mercury Space Capsule. Oh, yeah, and Furbies. Please E-mail me with your prices. Thank you. JohnDoe@PlayTrekker.com LOST AND FOUND If you have seen or know the whereabouts of fugitive Ted A. Nichols II (aka The Playtrek Vandal), wanted for vandalism (DUH!), please contact the Pennsylvania state police at 1-800-PTROCKS. DO NOT try to apprehend him yourself as he's known to be armed with a spray can and "venting plasma". FOR SALE Tackle Me Elmo with football playing action. Sure to be the hottest toy this Christmas. 1-800-LAFFING TV LISTINGS Plaztik 90210 - UPN Wednesday 8:00PM A special Thanksgiving episode-- when Neelix fixes Thanksgiving dinner, his Talaxian Torr-kay dinner may hold the key to Voyager returning to the Alpha Quadrant. But evil Plasma Aliens attempt to blow Voyager out of hyperdrive and steal the Torr-kay dinner! By the end of the show, some ridiculous plot device means they can't get back to the Alpha Quadrant with the Torr-kay anyway, rendering the whole plot to be pointless anyway. Special guests include Lilquestie as Plasma Alien and Mutated Tom Paris as the Torr-kay. Holiday UPN Bowl - UPN Thursday 7:00PM The first annual UPN Bowl (not related to the Toilet Bowl) is college football at its finest! The Florida Gators take on the Ohio State Crazed-Playtrekkers-After-A-Borg-Queen in a clash of titans. Halftime show featuring Patrick Stewart doing a dramatic reading of the before unknown lyrics to "Louie, Louie". LETTER TO THE EDITOR Dear Editor, I am writing to complain about the vile nature of your upcoming toys. A friend told me yesterday that you are making something called a "Star Trek: End's Erection" twelve inch toy that will be marketed for children. I find this behavior vile, disgusting, and evil. I plan on writing a letter to the FCC if you do not cease and desist immediately. What's wrong with you people? What happened to good old-fashioned family values? Incensed in Iowa Dear Incensed, For the record, the Playtrek Gazette does not make the toys. As for your other complaints-- yeah, right! Ed Itor That is all. For now. ###**#@(*$$$$ This is LilQuestie, computer genius, hacking the Gazette. Soon, vengeance shall be mine. Bwaaaaahaaaaaahaaaaa. Oh, yeah. Insurrection ROCKS! OUT! ###**#@(*$$$$