Please let me take this opportunity to introduce you to a brand new service I am now offering to the action figure collecting community. I have been a collector myself for the last 10 years. In that time, I have noted numerous goods and services available to the mint on card (MOC) collector, such as acrylic protective cases, Pro-Tech cases, price sticker removers, insurance and grading services, acid-free mylar storage envelopes, and hermetically-sealed home collecting vaults complete with antibacterial, low-humidity, nitrogen-rich climate controls. I've also noted a virtual absence of similar goods and services available to the collector who prefers to open their figures. With the backing of several dotcom venture capitalists, I am proud to announce the formation of the first company devoted solely to the needs of the loose action figure collector.

Our services are completely customizable, offering the consumer the opportunity to completely select the opening services that they desire. Our list of services includes the following:

• Many MOC collectors actually want their figures to be loose, but lack the time or patience to open their figures. Others are just, frankly, too anal-retentive to open them. In any case, our company will open all your figures for you. You select the quirky features you desire to add to your collecting experience, including:

  • Returning all the original packaging to you
  • Returning none of the original packaging to you
  • Returning only the bubbles
  • Returning only the cardbacks
  • Returning only the cut-out character profiles
  • Returning only the cut-out proof of purchases
  • Any oddball packaging-related feature you choose to collect.

• Once opened, we can still add to your collecting experience by:

  • Sending back all the accessories
  • Losing all the accessories
  • Losing only some of the accessories
  • Putting each figure's accessories in a separate baggy
  • Randomizing each figure's accessories
  • Throwing all the accessories together into a huge bag
  • Again, any accessory-related collecting quirk you want.

• Finally, we offer the following services to complete your loose action figure collecting experience. These can be added to either your just-opened figures, or you can send us your already opened figures for these special add-ons. These are great for today's busy collector with little or no spare time. For a small extra fee we can:

  • Add dust to your figures
  • Add cobwebs to your figures
  • Have them chewed on by a toddler, cat, dog, or small household rodent
  • Have them or their accessories be sucked up by a vacuum cleaner
  • Expose them to color-fading UV radiation
  • Have cats knock them off shelves repeatedly
  • Have the neighbors kids visit and pull their arms and/or legs off
  • Leave them in the sandbox for days or weeks or months
  • Spill Kool-Aid or soda on them
  • Special orders welcome.